Have you ever been the victim of gossip? Have you ever been the initiator or participant in gossip?
For me, middle school was the pinnacle of gossip’s temptation. I was always the girl on the outside looking into the shiny world of girl cliques and clubs, wishing I could somehow be granted entrance into their inner circle.
One night, I received a phone call from one of the “insiders.” Elated, I picked up the phone, honored to be the recipient of such a coveted phone call. The girl on the other end started saying mean things about another girl who, from my perspective, was also on the inside.
My mind raced at the possibilities… “I thought they were friends… But maybe she’s out, and I’m in now!” “Is this the right of passage into their world?” The girl who called me asked me my opinion, and in that moment, instead of exiting the conversation, changing the subject, or defending the other girl, I gossiped.
My idol of acceptance and fear of man flowed from my heart and out of my mouth. For a brief moment, I felt good. I was finally receiving insider information and not only receiving but contributing! She wanted my opinion!
Suddenly, another voice chimed in with, “I’m here too, and this was a test to see what you would say about me.”
All those warm fuzzy feelings of acceptance slipped away as I realized I had fallen into their trap… I had never felt more outside than at that moment.
Gossip Reveals the Heart
Gossip is relational and spiritual poison. Gossip is not neutral because our conversation is connected to our hearts.
We see this concept in Scripture:
Psalm 19:14 (ESV)
“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.”
Luke 6:45 (ESV)
“The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil… for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”
These passages show us that gossip reveals what’s already in our hearts– our treasures, our meditations, our gods. If we are consumed with the desire to fit in, be accepted, be the best, or secure our place, gossip will naturally follow.
Gossip Effects Relationships
Friendships built on gossip are not healthy or biblical. Consider some of the effects gossip has on relationships:
- Fear: Will they talk about me when I’m not around? Is my reputation really safe with them?
- Insecurity: What would they do if they saw my flaws? I need to hide the ugly parts of myself to keep their approval.
- Distrust: Would they be my friend if I didn’t talk this way? I can’t trust them to keep my secrets.
- Dishonesty: Should I exaggerate this story to make them more interested? Should I share information told to me in confidence? I can’t tell the whole truth to others or be trusted with information.
- Anxiety: Will I lose these friendships? Does anyone really know me? Do I have any true friends? Are my friendships helping me grow to be more like Jesus? What if she finds out what I said about her?
The only way to overcome gossip and grow godly friendships is to know what God says about gossip and ask Him to transform us.
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Here is a working definition of gossip from Ephesians 4:29:
Gossip definition: “Speaking about someone in a way that is corrupting, destructing, unfitting, and/or grace resisting.”
Gossip Doesn’t Make “Sense”
Based on Ephesians 4:29, let’s consider each adjective to see if gossip makes “sense.” Do you know what the 5 senses are?
- Corrupting (taste): “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths…”
The Greek word for corrupting used here means “rotten” or “decaying” and carries the idea of rotten fruit or bad fish.
→ Ask yourself:
- “How do my words taste?”
- “Is the fruit of my mouth rotten or fresh?”
If you were serving your words to their subject, how would she think they taste? Rotten or sweet? Fresh or bad?
- Destructing (touch): “But only what is good for building up”
This describes only using a constructive pattern of speech (building up) while gossip is destructive (tearing someone down).
Our words touch lives. Each word acts as a hand with a hammer, wielding its power to help or harm others.
→ Ask yourself:
- “Will what I am about to say build up the person in the minds of my hearers or tear them down?”
Again, this is not neutral. Our words either build up or tear down— there is no middle ground.
Are you touching a person’s name and reputation with care?
- Unfitting (sight): “as fits the occasion”
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” Prov 25:11
→ Ask yourself:
- Is what I am about to say necessary and helpful?
- Will it be like a beautiful gem added to this conversation?
How do your words look to their beholders? Shiny and luminous or dull and dim?
NOTE: The qualification for talking about others is not that what you are going to say is true. Slander is speaking falsely about someone to destroy their character while gossip is speaking in a way that tears someone down (even if it’s true)!
Wisdom withholds words to preserve the reputation of others while foolishness says everything that comes to mind to protect and promote oneself.
- Grace-resisting (sound): “that it may give grace to those who hear”
→ Ask yourself:
- “Is what I’m about to say true, filled with grace, and coming from a heart of love for the person?”
- “Is what I’m about to say a reflection of the grace I’ve been shown through the gospel?”
Speaking truth to someone should always be for the purpose of giving grace from a heart of love.
Speaking something that is true but not grace-filled cannot be sourced in love.
Every word you say carries more sound than just syllables. The tone, intention, and direction deliver either gospel dissonance or resonance to the hearer.
- Gospel Connection (smell): “give off the aroma of Christ”
Ask yourself…
- Do my words smell like Jesus?
Ephesians 5:2 (ESV)
“Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God
2 Corinthians 2:15 (ESV)
“For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing.
Luke 6:27-36 [27] “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, [28] bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you… [31] And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
Jesus fulfilled his words perfectly. He loved his enemies—including you and me—by offering himself on the cross.
Jesus never gossiped about the Pharisees, Judas, or Peter despite their plots and betrayals. He never gossiped about the prostitutes, the woman at the well, or the tax collectors despite their checkered pasts.
Jesus extended words of grace, not gossip at the cross, asking the Father to forgive his murderers and accepting the theif’s plea for mercy.
Ask yourself…
- OR do my words smell like self-righteousness and idolatry?
Self-righteousness
John 8:7 (ESV)
“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”
When we see others lost in their sins, we should be moved to compassion and mercy because of the great mercy Christ has shown to us.
We are all equal at the cross, but gossip betrays mercy by elevating you above the cross.
Gossip exposes and exploits people while Christ covers and cares for people.
Matthew 7:3–5 (ESV)
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
Instead of gossiping about someone else’s faults, use what you have seen in them to drive you to Spirit-dependent prayer and repentance.
Our first step should not be asking God to change them but for Him to change us.
Idolatry
What is driving your gossip? Consider the list below, and ask the Spirit to identify which of these idols may be motivating you to gossip about others.
Our Idols, Gossip, and the Gospel
→ Envy says, “If I can’t have what they have, I want to destroy it in them”
Envy drives us to tear others down in an effort to build ourselves up.
The gospel frees us to praise God for his goodness and glory reflected by others.
→ Fear of man says, “I have to tear people down to fit in or be liked,” “I have to let others gossip to me or they might reject me,” “I’m afraid they might gossip about me if I don’t gossip with them (so twisted), so I better secure my place in the group”
Fear of man drives us to secure acceptance and approval at the cost of others.
The gospel frees to rest in God’s acceptance and approval of us through Christ.
→ Achievement says, “Everyone is competition, and I can appear to be better than others by tearing them and their accomplishments down”
Achievement drives us to objectify others as competition that needs to be beaten.
The gospel frees us to cease from striving and join arms with others for kingdom purposes.
→ Control says, “I love the way I hold the attention and affection of others when I share information,” “I can get what I desire (acceptance of me and rejection of others) through gossip,” “This piece of information is too good not to share,” “I get to decide what I do with my words and tongue,” “I love that I have the power to create drama, stand back, and watch friendships or relationships burn”
Control drives us to use our words as we see fit, disregarding the stewardship God has entrusted to us.
The gospel frees us to release our perceived control, submitting everything we possess to God’s perfect will.
So what do you do when you’re stuck in a gossip circle or cycle?
Practical tips for fighting gossip:
- Pray: The Spirit gives us the power to overcome our sin!
Verse to pray:
“Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth;
keep watch over the door of my lips!” — Psalm 141:3
- Repent: Repentance stops the cycle of sin by taking us before the throne of grace and reminding us of the gospel.
Verses to pray:
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” —1 John 1:9
“My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.” —1 John 2:1
- Ask for forgiveness: Forgiveness restores us to our sisters after we sin against them with our words. This extends both to the sister you gossiped about and the sisters you gossiped to or with.
Verses on Asking for Forgiveness from others:
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed…”
— James 5:16
“So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother…”
— Matthew 5:23–24
- Get in the Word: The Word renews our minds and transforms our lives! Remind yourself how God thinks about gossip, and think his thoughts after him.
Verses on Gossip:
“A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.” — Proverbs 16:28
“Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.” — Proverbs 11:13
“For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases.” — Proverbs 26:20
“Whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” — Proverbs 10:19
“Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” — Proverbs 17:9
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue…” — Proverbs 18:21
“Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not.” — 1 Tim 5:13
They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them. —Rom 1:20-32
- Practice thankfulness, mercy-showing, and biblical confrontation: When we put off gossip, we must put on a new way of speaking!
Thankfulness:
(1 Thess 5:18, Matt 5:44)
Thank the Lord for the person you are tempted to gossip about.
Mercy-showing:
(Eph 4:32, Lk 6:36, Jn 8:7)
When you are tempted to be critical of others, remember the mercy God has shown you in Christ and extend that mercy in the place of criticism.
Biblical Confrontation:
(Mt 18:15, Eph 4:15, Gal 6:1)
If someone is truly sinning and needs to be confronted, don’t discuss her sin with others; instead, approach her directly with the goal of lovingly restoring her to Christ.
Discussion Questions:
- Which of the effects of gossip have you experienced in relationships (Fear, Insecurity, Distrust, Dishonesty, or Anxiety)? Why do you think you feel these things?
- How does analyzing your words with the 5 senses (taste, smell, look, sound, and touch others) help you visualize their effects? Which of these was the most convicting to you and why? What do you need to change about your words, so they smell like Jesus?
- What idol do you think motivates you to gossip: envy, fear of man, achievement, or control? How does the gospel speak to your idol?
- How do you overcome gossip? Which of the first 4 practical tips (prayer, repentance, getting in the Word, and asking for forgiveness) are you not doing, and how do you plan to change?
- Which type of “put on” speech (thankfulness, mercy-showing, or biblical confrontation) is the hardest for you… Do you tend to find yourself complaining, critical, or avoiding confrontation? Why?
